I HATE FACEBOOK!

I do not understand how a site that is so popular is so goddamn hard to use. I have never come across a site that is so confusing, makes so little sense and is so retarded. I am only on there because it’s so popular, but I hardly ever use it.

I was just trying to set up a new account and a fan page for a site that I started and it was one of the most confusing processes I have ever encountered. Not only was it confusing, it did not even allow me to import my blog postings from my account to my fan page, which is all I really wanted to do in the first place.

I dunno, maybe I am retarded, but I just am failing to see how facebook is so popular. Maybe it’s like the Mac OS, it is so retarded and dumbed down that I have trouble understanding it.

I guess I will just stick to my personal page and HOPE that another site comes along that is better and facebook goes the way of friendster here soon. Until then, I will probably just keep bitching about it and writing pointless blog postings that no one will read anyway.

Is there anyone else out there that shares my frustration with facebook? What is it I am missing? I would love to hear your feedback on how I can perhaps use it better and make it work for me.

We have all been there, the endless client meeting in which you have fantasies of reaching across the table, grabbing the back of your dopey clients head and smashing their face in to the conference room table repeatedly, letting out a guttural scream and storming out of the office straight to the nearest bar to start your life “off the grid”.

God knows I have sat through a countless number of these meetings and for years had the same result. I would give my opinion, only to be overruled by the marketing director (or equivalent retard sent in his place) explaining to me that “User navigation doesn’t really matter anyway”. Me putting on my best smile and letting said douchebag know how brilliant I think they are for coming up with such a great idea. Finishing up the meeting feeling defeated, frustrated and questioning why the FUCK I am in this business anyway. Heading to the nearest bar, thinnking of all the things I “should have said” and planning my new life “off the grid”.

It was not until a few years ago that I realized that being a designer does not have to mean losing your mind every time you hear from a client or have to present a new concept or design.

When I first started in this business, I was cocky, over confident and had quite the hot head when it came to clients and what they “thought they wanted”. I got away with most of my insane behavior because the client did not have much choice but to deal with me because there was not a great number of people that could do what I did. Those days are gone, along with my hot headedness and cocky attitude. I have traded those in for a more refined and confident approach to dealing with clients and projects. Nowadays clients have a seemingly endless number of small agencies as well as freelance designers to choose from who can do amazing work.

Because of this, my “Rockstar” attitude has (thankfully) been doused with a sense of reality and given me the ability to actually win more clients over and have my design or concept chosen way more often than they were in the past.

Here are some ways that you can win over your clients and change their minds without getting fired.

Be incredibly knowledgeable.
Knowledge is power my friends, the more of it you have, the better your meetings will go. Learn everything you can about the “reason’s” you are making design decisions and be able to back them up with hard facts. Be able to quote famous designers and UI experts. Have statistical facts about browsers, resolution, user habits, demographics, and the like memorized and ready to go at the drop of a hat. This will let your clients know that you know what you are talking about and are not just another socially retarded “artist”.

Be confident.
Contrary to popular belief most meetings are actually just pissing contests, especially with males. No one wants to admit it, but if you appear weak or unconfident, you will be walked over for the sake of being walked over, no matter how good your ideas are. So be ready to exert a quiet confidence and know that every meeting is a small battle to establish intellectual dominance, no matter how nice the client is. Look your clients in the eyes when talking about your ideas, speak in a clear and audible voice and avoid jargon AT ALL COSTS. Speak English to your clients and don’t try dazzle them with your knowledge of industry terminology. They don’t give a fuck about grids, jquery, css or LOL catz so leave that shit out.

Be Prepared.
There is nothing worse than going in to a client meeting to present new designs and having to fuck around with your laptop for 15 min while you look like an incompetent fool, trying to make jokes about “damn technology”. Your clients time is very valuable and showing them that you understand by being prepared makes you more professional, authoritative and more likely to win your clients respect when it comes time to make a decision. Have your meeting room clean with bottled water and snacks in the middle of the table. Erase all scribbles off the white board and have a clean and creative meeting space. Set relaxing lighting and avoid florescent lights and stark white walls, these things will immediately put anyone in a bad mood.

Be Concise.
Most clients are already overworked and over stressed and the last thing on earth they want is to listen to their designer (who they already think is overpaid) babble on about how “cool” things are. Clients want to see what you have done for them and they want to know how it will improve their business. Period. One of the MOST IMPORTANT things you can do in a client meeting to win them over to your design is to tell them how they are going to make more money with your designs. Get to this point as soon as you can in your presentation. Don’t waste time talking about how cool you think your concept is. Talk to them about ease of use, increased numbers and how it will put money in their pockets.

Be Dazzling.
Everyone likes a little pizzazz, but too much and you will look like a dummy who is all show and no go, effectively losing your clients respect. That means when you are trying to convince them to go with your design or layout, they will not take you as a serious professional, but more as an overpaid monkey that bangs the keys when told. If you need to, take some public speaking classes to get more comfortable speaking in front of a group.

Kill ‘em with kindness.
You will find that if you are an open minded and generally nice person, clients will be more open to your suggestions. If you immediately dismiss their ideas or correct them on everything they say, they will go on the defensive and stop listening to you, no matter how good your ideas are. Say things like “that is a fantastic idea, we could also” and “I like where you’re going with this, you should be doing my job”. Try and be charming and down to earth. Most clients are already envious of your job and letting them know you are just a regular person and not a high and mighty artist will put them at ease and make them more open to your ideas.

Stroke their egos.
We all know that stoking someone’s ego is an invaluable tool in disarming them. From the get go, let the client know how much fun their project is, how it’s super awesome and everyone had so much fun working on it. Let them know they are an awesome client and you are really looking forward to working on many more projects with them. Try regaling them with a quick joke about something fun that happened with the project as you were working on it. This will put the client at ease and make them think (weather it’s true or not) that they have an awesome product or service that people like. There is nothing worse than having to deal with a business that is having problems or losing money and on top of that getting the feeling that even your agency or design team thinks your product or service is stupid.

Get your team on your side - Have a “pre-meeting” meeting.
Now, I know what you are thinking, who the FUCK wants to have more meetings, but if you do this, the results will be shocking to you. Considering EVERYONE is a critic, there is NOTHING worse than having your team scoff at your concepts in front of a client. This is will immediately discredit you as a confident professional. If you have someone on your team that does this to you, if you can, FIRE THEM, if you can’t, make SURE to get them on your side before your next client meeting as they are doing more damage to your credibility and reputation that you can possible imagine.

Prove it.
If you have a client that is balking at the ideas you have presented, give them the option (with confidence) to test your way against their way, provided you have the time and bandwidth to do it. if you are truly confident that your way will win out and make them more money, PROVE IT. I guarantee you that the next time a decision comes up, you will have the final say on what goes on. This can also backfire on you and put you in a position to never give advice again, so be ABSOUTLY sure before you evoke this measure.

Be Passionate.
People LOVE passion. It is more contagious than the swine flu and ten times as rewarding. Turn in to one of the reverends you see on late night TV preaching the gospel. Make your designs in to the absolute truth that cannot be argued with. If you are passionate about your work, it will put your client at ease and may even help them to go with your concept purely because they were caught up in the moment.

Be invaluable.
This is a very important tool in getting new clients to go with your concepts. Show them what you have done for other clients. Show them how you have helped increase the bottom line, retain customers or generally helped another company with some kind of problem with your genius. If you have no proof you are going to have to be open to their comments and take them in to consideration until you get some more experience under your belt.

Never let them see you sweat.
If you make a mistake, or say something stupid, regain your composure immediately if possible. Most clients are just waiting for the chance to disprove your ideas and input their own and will jump at the chance to show you up, especially if their boss is in the meeting. Try disarming these people with kindness and maybe a few jokes to let them know that you are not trying to show them up. Be polite and humble to everyone in the room. Self deprecation is an amazingly effective disarming tool.

Meet clients on your turf.
Home field advantage is very important. Bringing suits in to your creative studio will put them at ease. It will make you more comfortable and letting them see you in your environment is a priceless physiological tool. Having a creative work space is equally effective for clients as it is for you or your staff. Everyone loves creativity and most people hate their jobs, so giving them a reason to come to your cool space and get out of the daily grind of their cubicle laden, florescent lit office hell hole is invaluable to your relationship and your clients mood during meetings.

Remember your audience.
We all know that 99% of the time, clients are just dead wrong with what they want. They are generally the furthest thing from experts in their field and they MOST CERENTLY do not understand design, usability or how creativity works the way you do. Part of your job as a designer or a presenter is to not only do great work, but to sell that work as well. Because let’s face it, if you can’t convince a client to go with your concept, you are not going to get very far in this business. Remember to speak to your clients in terms THEY will understand. Hit your talking points of how you are going to help THEM as soon as possible. Let them know you are here to help them, but you are the authority when it comes to what users want. Remind them ( in a nice way ) that you are an expert in your field. Don’t argue with your clients when they talk about what they are experts in and you should get the same respect.

—————-

I hope that you have found this article helpful. I know that clients can be a nightmare to deal with and if they were all easy, this industry would not be nearly as challenging or rewarding. Keep fighting the good fight, but maybe enlisting some of these tools will help you hit a few less landmines than I did along my path.

I would LOVE your feedback and any other tips you might have as I am always looking to expand my own knowledge as well as ways to win over clients.

Wow, e-fax service is pretty hard to cancel. They really make you jump through loops and do just about everything except give you the service free for life to keep you as a customer. Perhaps instead of basically bribing their customers to stay, which by the way really pisses me off. If they have the ability to give me 2 months free + a $10.00 credit, why not offer that to me upfront instead of when I am canceling. I could have used the service for what I needed it for and then been on my way, happy instead of irritated that I have to take time out of my very busy day to cancel. But I digress..

Below is an actual chat conversation I just had with an e-fax representative. I should point out that all but 2 of his responses were not canned pre written scripts.

I just think it’s so lame to make customers jump through hoops like this and I am really starting to wish they would either offer a better service, or stop acting like a needy woman when you try and break up with them.

I mean seriously, who uses faxes anymore anyway?

————————————————–

Welcome to chat.

The session has been accepted.

{Brandon R.} Hello, Joshua. Welcome to j2 Global online support. I am Brandon, your online Live Support Representative. How are you doing today?

{Joshua} I am good.. I would just like to cancel my account please..

{Brandon R.} I am sorry to hear that you wish to cancel your account. Could you please provide me with your Fax number and PIN for verification?

{Joshua} 1-480-907-****

****

{Brandon R.} Thank you for providing the requested information. Please give me a moment while I quickly locate your account .

{Brandon R.} Thank you for your patience. I have just located and verified your account.

{Brandon R.} Please give me a moment while I quickly check your account in our records. In the meantime, please type the number corresponding to your reason for cancellation:

1) Moving to another provider

2) Bought a fax machine 

3) Business or role changed

4) Short term project completed

5) Financial reasons

6) Problems with service or Billing

7) Dissatisfied with Quality of service

8- Too Costly

{Joshua} 4

{Brandon R.} Appreciate your feedback . Thank you very much.

{Brandon R.} Joshua, we value your association and relationship with us. I understand that you may not have much use for your eFax account at this time and cannot justify the expense. In the current scenario, we will waive off the monthly fee for your eFax account for the next two months. This way, you can use your eFax account for all of two billing cycles, at zero monthly fees. Only usage charges are applicable for sending faxes if any.

{Brandon R.} Your eFax account will be credited with $33.90 so that you may utilize our services without being billed our monthly fee for the next two billing cycles.

{Brandon R.} If you find any use for your eFax account during this time, then you will still have the account, otherwise you can always contact us back anytime before this period ends, to confirm your decision. Will this be fine with you?

{Joshua} no thanks, I just don’t use faxing at all. I purchased this account for a family member to use while staying with me and I no longer have a need for it.. thank you though

{Brandon R.} I certainly understand your wish to discontinue. Since you have already paid for the month, we do not want you to lose out on the money. I suggest you to retain this number at least till the end of two months credit offer as you will not be charged any monthly fee for the two months. This way you can derive maximum value out of monthly fee paid.

{Brandon R.} Also as a good will gesture to continue our association, we will offer you an additional gift balance of $10 along with the monthly credit which will enable you to send up to 100 additional fax pages free of cost within US and Canada.

{Brandon R.} All you need to do is contact us once before the two months credit period ends if you do not wish to continue with the service. There is certainly no obligation to stay back after the two months credit period ends. You can contact us anytime. We are available 24 x 7.

{Brandon R.} We are suggesting this, so that you can keep the service till the credit period and then get back to us.

{Joshua} no thanks..

{Brandon R.} Okay, I understand and respect your decision for cancellation. I will cancel your account with us immediately.

{Brandon R.} We are sorry that you have decided to leave eFax. We are continuously improving our products and services. If your faxing needs do change in the future, we would be more than happy to have you back.

{Brandon R.} Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

{Joshua} nope, I think that’s all. Thank you! You guys really do have a fantastic service, I just don’t utilize it.

{Brandon R.} I’m glad to be of assistance.

{Brandon R.} Thank you for contacting j2 Global online support. Good bye and have a nice time.

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Hi everyone. I have just completed the “Super Icon Pack” for your downloading and development pleasure.

I have scowered the internets for a while now collecting the best .png icons I could find. I use icons a lot in my site development and I always love having tons of them on hand. The only problem is, most of the packs I have found only have 10-15 icons in them and 2 or 3 that are useable.

I have gone through hundreds of packs and deleted all of the crap, only to be left with the best icons I could find. They are organized by size and are all transparent .png files which makes life very easy. There are 1494 total icons in this super pack.

As a bonus I threw in all of my “Social” icons as well because I know how much we all love to be followed. Below are some examples of the icon styles.

Large Icons (186)

Medium Icons (629)
 

Mini Icons (505)

Bonus Social Icons, All different sizes (174)

I have never before in my life see such unbridled douchebagery! God bless the internet for allowing me to take a look in to the private lives of people and see just how disturbing they can truly be.

And the worst part is there’s more!

http://unix.rulez.org/~calver/pictures/

http://unix.rulez.org/~calver/video/

http://unix.rulez.org/~calver/funny/

Caution, most of this stuff, esp the “images” are NSFW. This should keep you all busy for quite a while. Enjoy!

Gary Vay-ner-chuk is one bad ass motherfucker.

You know, I was lucky enough to attend a conference about a year ago in Scottsdale where Gary Vaynerchuk  was the keynote speaker. I think it was the DMM or some shit, I dunno. I just went because the company I was working for at the time offered and I wanted to go hang out and drink. It was pretty much as I expected. Track after track of sessions where people were buzzing about “best practices” and milling around like the good little workers that they were, gathering as many “terms” and “shortcuts” to take back to and dazzle the boss man with. There were also a few very cool people there that I met throughout the few days, but as anyone who knows me will tell you, I made no attempts to hide the fact that I was not impressed with the conference and its overall tone, but I digress. Anyway, so it’s the last day of the conference and we are walking to go see the keynote speaker. Now I had never heard of this dude, much less every heard him speak but let me tell you, it changed something in me.

After a mediocre lunch in which the “team” of people I was working with conveniently  forgot to save me a seat, I found myself at a table of strangers about 9 feet from the stage. Gary Vaynerchuk  took the stage and proceeded to stand in front of a room full of marketers, hundreds of them (all waiting eagerly to hear the latest “buzz words” and be praised for their marketing genius) and tell them right to their faces that they were ALL doing it wrong. He stood up there and told them to fundamentally change the way they run their businesses, to really and truly be transparent and honest and then he gave examples how he does those things to back up his claims. He did this with such passion and such unrelenting vigor that I ended up yelling out something stupid like “I agree” or ‘Fuck Yeah” I don’t remember which, during his speech like someone “testifying” in church, actually if you find the full keynote online you should be able to hear me yelling towards the end. Anyway, the point is this; that son of a bitch Gary Vaynerchuk  gave me hope. He essentially said on stage to this room of people what I had been screaming for years. He had felt the same way I felt about business and running a business and he turned it in to something successful and this gave me the hope that it really could be done.

I have since been following Gary in all his craziness and awesome ideas on Twitter. He seems to be one step ahead of the crowd at all times and while it’s frustrating as hell at times to watch him be so successful, it gives me hope that business does not have to suck the life out of you and everyone around you.

So, Gary is you are reading this (and you should be because I know you pay attention), I had a blast playing poker with ya, even though I lost my ass, and to this day, your Keynote still resonates with me almost every single day.

That’s right all you lazy bastards, it’s time to get to work.

Play time is over. We have a lot of work to do and it’s up to us to make it happen. This country has been hijacked and run straight in to the ground by our last administration. But we spoke up, we said no more and now we have to do the work to make this country worth living in again. It’s not up to Obama, it’s up to us. We have elected a leader that has put the responsibility and onus squarely on us, which is exactly how it should be. It’s we the people, not We the Bush family.

So get off your lazy fat asses, take the FUCKING hogie out of your word hole, put down the FUCKING remote control and DO SOMETHING. Contribute to our society SOMEHOW other than just taking up space, oxygen and resources that could be used for someone who deserves them. Stop blaming other people for the state of affairs and do something about it. Don’t like the tax code? FUCKING work to change it! Don’t like your boss? FUCKING look for another job! Don’t like your neighbor? FUCKING move and stop FUCKING complaining about everything.

We are SICK of listening to you complain. We are sick of your fat lazy asses taking up space in this country. We are SICK of standing in line behind you while you gawk at the picture of the alien craft that landed at the Whitehouse and how to lose those last 5 pounds of baby fat. Just buy your shit and get the fuck out of my way. See, if you had a sense of responsibility or something OTHER to do than stand in line at the fucking piggly wiggly than you would just buy your shit and move on like the rest of us that are trying to get out line so we can go be productive.

in closing, I only have this to say.

If you were offended by this in anyway, then YOU are one of the people that are taking up space and you should do one of two things.

1) Get your life together and realize that you are not special or different in anyway. You are not entitled to anything special because you are black or brown or fat or a girl. Get your head out of your ass and do something that will contribute something back for the resources, space, oxygen and food that you are consuming as you waddle your fat ass across the landscape.

2) Do one selfless act in your life and go jump off a fucking bridge so the rest of us don’t have to bear the burden of your worthless sack of skin.

That is all for now, Have a good day.

The auto industry and our previous administration have effectively FORCED us to pay for cars that we don’t want. How awesome is that.

I do think that as awful as this bailout it, maybe it will teach us all a lesson for the future. Maybe we will pay closer attention to what is going on and maybe we will think twice before everyone rushing out to buy tank sized cars to cart around our 3 snot nosed kids all over town fourteen times a day. Maybe this is a good lesson for us all. Maybe we will change our habits and think more like responsible adults rather than a family of fat southern tourists in line for a fried Twinkie at the county fair.

Unfortunately there will always be those dummies in the world that don’t learn anything, that just keep their heads buried in the sand with a flag in one hand and a bible in the other yelling to themselves that Jesus will make everything alright. Yeah, there will always be those people to enrage the rest of us. It’s too bad really that we don’t all evolve at once. I guess when you really look at it it’s not their faults. I mean I don’t blame rats for being stupid, they just don’t know any better, so I suppose I should not blame the dummies for ruining this country, but I still do.

In closing, I only have this to say.

Don’t be a dummy. Think about things before you act upon them and start thinking as if you live in a community of people, not on an island alone. Remember that we are all in this together, we all only have one shot and no one is any more or less responsible than anyone else for this mess that we are in. It is OUR faults we are here and it will be OUR choice to get out or not.

That is all for now. Have a good day.

It is 4:00 in the morning and I have already been up for an hour.

I barely slept last night and unfortunately that is nothing new. It is cold in my apartment this morning and my heater is just not able to warm my bones. So as I sit here huddled over my keyboard sipping coffee with desk lamp the only light on in my apartment, I have to some time to think. What I have found myself thinking a lot about lately is social media, “transparency” and business.

There is something that is not sitting right with me about this whole social media thing. How can business, which is by its very nature immoral, secretive, cold and untrustworthy, suddenly be participating in a space where the very foundation is transparency, community, openness and honesty? How can businesses that have screwed over their competitors, fired thousands of people, caused environmental harm, lied to their investors, employed slave labor and have generally had a negative impact on our society now be given the opportunity to trick us again in to thinking that they are all of a sudden “transparent” because they have a twitter account and a facebook page?

 What makes you think that the fundamentals of business have changed because it’s now online and suddenly been labeled “transparent”?